The first step in finding a friend with benefits is finding friends.
The friends you find matter, of course. If you make friends at an evangelical religious retreat, you’re a lot less likely to find a sex partner than if you make friends among sex-positive people. So it helps to make sex-positive friends. If there are kink-friendly, polyamorous, or sex geek communities near you, that’s a place to start–not necessarily because kinksters or poly folks are all into casual sex (we’re not; it varies by person) but because that can help start building a sex-positive social circle.
The next step is to find friends. By that I mean form genuine friendships with no expectation of anything beyond friendship. If you only make friends with people you want to have sex with, or your only goal in forming friendships is trying to get close enough so that sex will happen, your agenda will be obvious and that just isn’t attractive. Form genuine friendships, whose value isn’t attached to sex.
Women like casual sex the same way men does. Some do, some don’t. It depends of the woman, of the moment, of the person, of the situation…
And assuming the contrary would, indeed, be sexist.
Dating sites are actually used by a lot of women willing to enjoy casual sex. As well as a lot of women don’t looking for it. And a lot of women who are okay with both.
I met a significant number of women which with I had casual sex on dating sites, as well as women which with I stayed a while (included the one with which I’m since a year and a half now). The key is to filter it.
Make it clear that you’re looking for sex and not for anything else, while on the other hand exhibiting your profile (likes/dislikes, kind of people, interests, …). Even if you don’t look for a girlfriend, people have the choice and will priviledge the people that they know over those who they doesn’t. While stating in words that you’re running after sex would look somewhat aggressive and douchebag, andlet alone the wasted exposure for your profile, most sites have a feature allowing you to check the kind(s) of relation that you’re looking for, which is easier to filter/select trough the search engine and save some space in your profile.
The next step is to be the more honnest possible and for two reasons :
Honnesty will draw a realistic portrait of you, which will look real and will have better chances to be appealing than something vague (vague description are the fruits of lazyness and/or douchebaggery).
Even if it’s only for sex, you’ll want to practice that activity with someone that you like. It’ll make the things more enjoyable for both of you it’s a friendly and with benefits relation that you’re looking for.
It may actually become more than a casual sex relation (it happened to me and still last today, so I know it’s always a possible “risk”)
If you lack social skills, or aren’t at ease with that kind of situations, dating sites can are understandably more likely to make you at ease than bars or nightclubs. If you still fail to find women interested in you in your area on the different dating sites that you try, you can also give a try to swinging/libertinism oriented dating sites. Those have a member pool way more relevant regarding your needs. The people who use these sites do so in order to find people which with talk about libertinism, share content (about them or not) and eventualy (often) have sex with.
People there are very picky when it comes to single men, since they’re a lot, but still, it can work. Be polite, cool and seductive and it may end well for you.
I read in your details that you weren’t willing to afford a sex worker’s compagny, so I don’t worry for you, but if you choose to try on some dating sites and think about getting a subscription to increase your chances, wait until you tried it for free for a significant amount of time. It’ll be too bad for you to buy an annual subscription to then be very disapointed once you dicovered more about the kind of women that use it in your area, their needs and how much they’re interested in you.
It’s true that statistical tricks based on shared distributions, but you’ll agree that a website that’s used by almost nobody in your neighbourhood would be useless to you, wouldn’t it ? 😉
Anyway, looking at your point of view regarding stupid rumors about casual sex among women or PUA, and the remaining, you look like a smart and rational guy. If you play it honnest, you will find what you’re looking for, I think.
Also, the PUA are dishonnest, not because they develop tricks supposed to put women in their bed (I mean, it’s lame, but it doesn’t work on every body, and it mostly stay about dating), but because this stuff is sold to naive guys who subscribe in order to find someone which with hang out or have sex and end as douchebag. While the PUA earn a lot of money. See it like a sect…
here’s no algorithm to finding a fuck buddy, no algorithm for anything in this life. Not unless you’re a computer or a robot. Things happen, and we’ll never know the exact scientific reasons behind them happening. We do not need to know then either: it’s beyond human understanding.
You may groom well, you may earn millions, you may look like a man-tenner, but your exact opposite kind of a man could be enjoying the sex you craved for.
My suggestion is: practice affirmations, auto-suggestions. If you do that sincerely for some time, your desires will be fulfilled effortlessly – by the universe.
This may seem creepy to the judgemental, but 4 years ago I was going through a dry spell as well, decided to put affirmations to use (I had been doing that for some time for other things in life), and this is not a lie: I was giving it to a 7/10 girl at her home – without dressing well, without building the muscles, without going out.
Affirmations … they’re like a magic wand.
From one very average guy in his early 40s to another, younger one, here is my response. Careful reading between the lines of your post suggests there may be some issues that need untangling:
- MOTIVATION: ”It’s not a desperate need. If I stayed celibate until they day I died I wouldn’t be majorly disappointed.” Well, this needs looking at. Do you just want human contact? That is easy. Or do you really want to experience sex? Nothing wrong with that, but identifying a ‘friend with benefits’ will take some work.
- RELATIONSHIP: Why do you seek ‘unattached’ meaningless sex bit? Again, nothing wrong with that. But I have a feeling you may be disappointed and be nervous when / if it happens. You admit you are ‘self centred’. Relationship certainly demand compromise and vulnerability. Is this an issue for you? I know a lot of single friends, both male and female, who secretly really like their single lives. But they often need to take a risk and expose themselves emotionally more.
- TALKING TO WOMEN: Are you very shy? Do you have difficulties talking to women? Is this thwarting you at first base?
- I would second the post that says dating books aimed at men can really help. Yes, ,many are cheesy and teach men to be ‘players’ (ignore all of that rubbish). But they also contain basic advice about how to talk to women, best places to meet them, how to dress fashionably, male grooming etc. I have used some and they can me LOTS more confidence.
- Get used to women. Forget the sex, try to just talk to women you meet day-to-day. Take a class in something where you are likely to meet women.
- Experience the joys of a massage. Just to be clear, this is not the same as visiting a sex worker and will be cheaper. You will experience a female touching you, often quite intimately (depending on where you go). Three benefits – This may be useful relaxation training when / if you do meet a girl for unattached sex. Second, this regular touching may be enough to fulfil your needs (see ‘motivation’ above). Third, you will also talk to your masseuse as well. Practice on her. Boost the confidence.
- Keep your chin up! There is a female equivalent of you out there. Indeed, I think I know one! Happily single with her organised life, quite shy, but wants to experience sex. But it may be socially more awkward for her to admit she has similar needs than for a male. Be aware of this. Your need to be ‘honest’ (a wonderful character trait in most situations), may may come over as too blunt in the dating game.
Good luck man. You sound like a decent guy!