In this article, we received an intriguing question from one of our regular customers, which we call “Hot Mama”. Together with our readers, we share invaluable tips on how to reach orgasm faster for women.
Hot Mama asked:
What tips or anecdotes might be floating around out there for women who take a really long time to reach their first orgasm during sex (by clit)?
The handful of men I’ve been with over the past few years have all thrown in the towel after a few unsuccessful minutes of trying (by hand, tongue, or vibrator), and then not bothered to try again despite my requests and suggestions.
It’s starting to wear on me and make me feel like my pleasure is too much effort.
Things I’ve tried unsuccessfully to speed up the process include avoiding solo masturbating for up to 1-2 month periods, avoiding using a vibrator when masturbating to avoid desensitizing myself, and using some of those gels that are supposed to make sensations more intense/pleasurable.
On my own it usually takes me 30-40 minutes to reach my first orgasm and then 1-2 minutes for each successive one, whether it’s by hand, vibrator (magic wand, so lack of power isn’t the problem), porn, erotic reading, purely my own imagination.
Adding in g-spot stimulation makes it more intense, but doesn’t speed up the process. I try to do kegals now and then, but don’t find it makes a difference.
Guys don’t usually last long enough during sex for me to lend a hand in getting myself off during PIV, and once they are done, they are done.
Answer from Barco
Have you been dating 18-20 year olds? Because youth and inexperience are the only excuses for giving up on your orgasm after a few minutes.
I wouldn’t put up with it. The next time a guy does that I would say “wow, is that all? Unimpressed. You can put your clothes on and leave now.” Be rude. I think they’re rude for treating you like a human fleshlight.
I’d have zero qualms about crushing his ego.
Deserves it and I like to think of it as a public service – maybe he’ll think about how much he sucks in bed and make an effort to change so the next woman he’s with might actually enjoy sex with him.
It’s largely impossible to tell up front if someone is going to be good in bed or not.
But you can screen for personality traits like generosity, kindness, a good sense of humor/ability to be self deprecating, speaking to and treating others with courtesy and respect, listening to you, and being fully engaged.
If someone is open and willing to talk about sex in a mature way that’s a big indicator that they’re comfortable with sex and incompatibilities will be dealt with in a grownup way. These I have found to be generally good indicators of stability, maturity, and a decent heart.
Answer from Judy
A few minutes?!?! That’s crazy.
Most men I know take way longer than that.
They should know that patience will be rewarded and the build-up is so much fun! I’m sorry you’ve been w guys who don’t get that.
You mentioned most of what I’d suggest. But mention PIV & g-spot specifically. Are all of your efforts focused on PIV or have you tried clit stimulation?
My clit is like a magic button. It took me years to figure that out. But I can cum from clit stimulation alone but not always PIV alone. Depending on the day, I vary (or tell my partners to) the pressure and type of touch. I also find that I enjoy the mental build up of sensual touch before we really get into things, and a man who knows how to play with the mind before/during sex drives me crazy. Clearly the men who complain about it taking a few minutes are not doing that.
Answer from Dianne
I haven’t been with many men so can’t say whether this is the “norm” out there, but it certainly is not acceptable in my book, and there are definitely men out there who feel very differently. I’m particularly perturbed by the not bothering to try again despite your request. That’s a selfish lover self-selecting his way out the door. So, I guess that’s my first comment is, don’t feel like there’s something wrong with you or that you’re not worth it. THEY are the messed up ones that aren’t worth your trouble.
That said, try not to think of it as the 30-40 minutes that it takes to reach your first O, think of it as the hour(s)-long process of learning each other’s bodies and ways of making each other feel good, all leading up to that final sprint. He shouldn’t, at the outset, start fluttering his hand/mouth as if mimicking your favorite vibe. He’s not a machine, and it’s a surefire way to tire himself out before things even get started.
One “tip” that I’ve found helpful is to concentrate on my breathing. Try to relax my body, breathe in and out, steadily, with a good pause in between each inhale and exhale.
I find that when I tense up in anticipation of what I think is an impending orgasm, the slightest wrong move or breeze seems to knock me off track and it’s like we have to start all over again.
Which isn’t the worst thing in the world since we’re having fun, but when you think the O is right there in your grasp and it slips away, it can be very frustrating.
Anyway, breathe, let all the feelings be felt, each touch and caress, breathe in and out and let your body react but without becoming tense.
Like floating atop the surface of the water and letting the waves carry you, feeling that motion, rather than trying to fight against the current and cut through the water, if that makes any sense.
I’m not trying to not think about what he’s doing, quite the contrary, I’m letting my body feel whatever is going on at the moment and not letting my mind wander.
Not only does concentrating on my breathing help put me in the right frame of mind where I’m enjoying the present moment, that ever-shifting present moment, rather than chasing the O, I think it also really helps my partner.
Sometimes, there’s this delay between your body, your mind, and your mouth, where verbalizing instructions seems too daunting.
By the time you think to yourself “oh right there feels nice” and the words come out your mouth, the pressure or direction or angle has changed in a subtle way, and the feedback you think you’re giving is not the feedback he’s receiving.
Just by breathing in a steady way (no need to huff and puff about it, but do let your chest rise and fall with each breath), every “unf” and hitch in my breath is a little signal to him that he’s doing a good job.
That hitched breath is so much more “in tune/in time” with what my body’s feeling, and if he’s paying attention, he’ll learn REAL quick what makes you feel good.
For me, that was pretty much the key in unlocking quicker, stronger, longer, and MORE orgasms.
Stop chasing them, have fun in the present moment, let my reactions be authentic, and let them come to me.
Answer from Josephine
Have you tried the 69 position? The last thing your guy should be doing is “getting bored and giving up” then. Have you tried facesitting?
What about some slight femdom BDSM where his hands are restrained to the bed and you switch between riding his face, penis, and 69 position?
You could tease the shit out of him and bring out those primal instincts and lust.
What about your magic wand?
Those things are amazing and an orgasmic tool in a guys hands. I like to bring ours to bed from time to time and it’s versatile! It can be used during foreplay, during intercourse, even after.
You could use it yourself during fun time activities but I recommend you get your partner to take control and use it and my other recommendation is not to waste your time on any guy that has the “oh, my dick isn’t good enough?” mentality.
There are many ways to pleasure a woman and the dick and PIV is not on the top of the list.
They say for women it firsts starts in the mind and usually women “need to feel loved to want sex” and “guys need sex to feel loved” and our biology really screws us sometimes much like men reaching their sexual peak younger than women.
You could also try extending foreplay and having your partner get you off before penetrative sex.
Doing this tends to make things much more sensitive for the woman and also I think better for the guy too, especially since the more turned on my SO gets, the more turned on I get and if you have a long term partner and you get to know each other well intimately.
It’s possible you might find a guy who can keep you on the edge of an orgasm for a while and build it up to an amazing orgasm.
Answer from Johnny
I’m a guy and a few minutes is just sad. Shame on those guys for making you feel like you’ve got to hurry. My wife (depending on the mood and day) is probably 30 minutes with foreplay included. When it gets to the point where it’s me helping her out, that’s usually about 20 minutes (i.e. 10-15 minutes of foreplay). But, of course, it’s different every time.
That all said, it took me a few years to figure out that different women and men enjoy sex in different ways.
When I was younger, I honestly had no clue what I was doing. Once I got married, my wife has been really great at telling me what she wants and so, over the years, I’ve learned how to read her and how to make it about both of us instead of just me being selfish.
So, maybe you’ve just got some inexperienced men lately. Keep doing exactly what you’re doing and you’ll find the right match.
Answer from Tanisha
I’m often like that… it’s about 20 to 30 or more for the first O and the second takes twice as long, if not longer. There are two things that sometimes speed up the process:
1) Being really turned on. If I’ve been sexually aroused for a few hours ahead of time, I am far more likely to have the 20 minute (sometimes a bit less!) O.
I want to want it, and then when I get it, I’m as ready as I’ll ever be. Being distracted, hitting it cold, worrying about my O will all make slow it down and sometimes make it impossible to come at all. Mood is everything.
2) Find a great oral technician. I had a boyfriend who could make me come in *three minutes * – ME! The queen of the elusive, “the tide is always out” orgasm.
And not only that, he’d have me coming when I was totally not even present… my mind would be whirling, I’d be upset, I was always in doubt about the relationship and it was messing with my head and my desire… and none of that made a damn bit of difference when he got his tongue on my clit. I was coming before I knew what hit me.
So, the perfect combination would be to find someone you are really into and that you anticipate fucking like gangbusters, who is actually good at oral sex. Ok, not the easiest task, but othere’s have done it!