Sex Confessions

Thoughts of Spanking

My tastes in spanking continued and I kept on wanting to watch spanking videos and take an interest in the world of spanking as I saw it on the internet.  Although I was sad that the play times of spanking had stopped I respected Nomi wishes as I would with any play partner.  As time went along the itch became something that I needed to scratch or suppress which is always difficult, but I managed it.

Which leads me on to the fact that I feel I need to speak out about the stupid laws that have been introduced this year which I feel I need to comment on. Here is a link to the change in the law:
Porn laws.  It’s not very clear as far as I see it and I consider myself an intelligent person.  Here is the way that the Independent newspaper has to say and I suggest that you take time to read this article: Independent.

I have been watching spanking porn and reading spanking porn since I was 17, its the biggest sexual turn on for me and always will be.  The thought of UK based companies making this form of entertainment having to go off line because of the ATVOD enforcing laws upsets me and makes me question who is governing this country and what their motivation is behind all of this.  I always think that there is more to these things than meets the eye.  I can imagine that a percent of people who enter the house of commons or the house of lords go to visit ladies who give them a good spanking and caning, but they won’t be touched because they are not going to video it, put it on the internet and charge people to see it.  What is upsetting is the people that are the manufacturers of fetish porn and spanking movies don’t usually have a great deal of money and lets face it is a niche market, do it usual for the love of the subject material.  

Just as I as a viewer watch it as lover of the subject, I am no fool when I watch a clip on line I know that it is consensual and that no one is being beaten up or forced to take a harsh caning that will scar them for life.  I also know that for me it does not make me want to force myself on someone to make them submit to a spanking.  I have too much respect for the people that I come in contact with to want to do this, or to take advantage of a situation to my own gratification.  I like the person on the receiving end to enjoy the play as much as me.  As I am not a producer of this type of ‘porn’ I am probably not going to get a letter from ATVOD but I do have this blog which is under threat because without warning Google say that they are going to take down this site if they feel that it is objectionable as they have tighten up their rules on the nature of what can and can’t be shown on a blog. So, look at this whilst you can.

I want to say that I show full support to anyone who is trying to fight these new rules and regulations, good for them.  If these new rules show us anything they are for one completely sexist as it is the female acts that are targeted most and that is something that to me is completely suspicious and should be questioned. As all of it should be, once something becomes illegal, what happens, well it goes underground.  I fully understand that all industries not just porn makers but record companies and film makers all suffer from pirating due to file sharing sites that spring up and as soon as you have released your film on line, it can be on a file sharing site that people can see for free, which in the cases of UK made spanking porn has been very damaging.  This and the new legislation about video on demand porn has crippled the industry and has caused some manufacturers to have breakdowns over it.

I believe as does Nomi that all forms of censorship are wrong, except in the cases of non-consensual or child pornography.  We have been watching porn which has shown us a girl taking 50 strokes of the cane and suffered no ill health except a bruised bottom and she has enjoyed it as much taking it as we have watching.  I have been a witness and a player in the shooting of spanking porn and know that no one was taken advantage of and no one was forced to go beyond their limits. It was a fun time for all concerned and there was as much laughter and smiles during the shooting as there was spanking. So, we find ourselves in a situation now where this has to stop?  What needs to happen is a test case in the courts, a lot of people find the subject of extreme BDSM distasteful and would like to see it completely removed from the face of the earth, and I would never agree with this as I believe that we should respect each other’s sexual believes no matter how strange and that we should just agree not to look at things we don’t like.  Remember there is an off button or just don’t visit those sites on line.

I will go into this in more depth in due course but I would say this to finish with, as I do tend to ramble, we need to support the makers of our fetish porn and we need to support them in the way that is helpful for them.  Read blogs, visit sites, find out more about the fight, and don’t give up hope, these laws need to be overturned because they just aren’t helpful for anyone except those in control. Give in to this, what will come next?


We still play at spanking sometimes.

It is a different sort of experience than it was once.  I have more options, and way more control.  If I say “no,” then everything comes to a halt, and we each go back to our corners.  There is not much discussion, and if it disappoints him, or frustrates him, or makes him wish for something different, then I don’t ever hear about it.  He just quits, and we go on about our more ordinary, vanilla life together.

That means that, if there is going to be spanking play that actually goes anywhere much, the burden for making that happen falls on me.  I have to get to it, and stay with it, and find a way to be in the moment enough to follow the trail through the pain and fear to whatever good might lie on the other side of that sometimes formidable barrier.  And I have to do it without much in the way of help or support from him.

Spanking, for me, has always been about my mindset.  What I experience in the midst of a spanking session is determined, in large part, by where my head is.  I have to give it up, and go with it.  If I get caught up in any sort of emotional weighing or measuring or bargaining or calculating or wanting or demanding…  then I can pretty much guarantee that the spanking will overwhelm me, and result in a sense of anger and betrayal.  Nothing good can come from any of that.

Most often, I find that I do better with some sort of fairly rhythmic, mantra-ish mental chant that keeps me in the moment, and prevents me from swirling out into all the mental chatter.  Over the years, I have used a lot of different sort of mental chants to ride through the tough places in a spanking:
“Yours always and all ways”
“I love you, Sir”
“I am just a butt”
“One two three four five six seven eight”

At different times in different ways, each of those have helped me along the path to processing and eroticizing the pain of a spanking.

Now though, I find that my mind goes to the unseen, unknown others that loom on the horizon… the spankos that have or will be part of his spanking experience.  They are more willing, more sturdy, more pure in some sense than I am, and he is able to take a chance with them that he won’t take with me.  I understand the need that drives the move to connect with them, and I endorse the general idea of it all.  It is not, however, a reality without its emotional challenges.  At the beginning of a spanking, when I am most tentative, most vulnerable, it is hard to be in a mental place of wondering if he is actually with me, or is really practicing for his encounters with those others.  Is what is happening about me?  About us?  Or am I just a stand in?  It is hard.

And so the session on Sunday morning started off a little rough.  I felt that he launched right in to more high end play than I was prepared for, with no real warm up.  It made me angry.  Frustrated.  I wanted him to help me, and I was immediately fussy.  Of course, the minute I expressed that, he got defensive, and began to pull away.  I knew right away, that if I didn’t figure it out, he would end the session, and I would lose the opportunity.  And I wanted a chance to “get there.”

So, I dropped back into position, determined to tough it out, see it through.  And then I hit upon the magic mindset that made it work for me.  I put the nameless, faceless others around the edge of the room.  Silent witnesses to what was happening.  And in my mind?  The mantra that worked to carry me along on the crest of the pain?


Day 2

School started last Tuesday.  Our long, lazy summer days have come to an end.


We did not spank much this summer.  Tom had his left shoulder replaced at the end of June, and the recovery period is long and very, very, VERY limiting in terms of the level of mobility that is allowed for weeks and weeks.  Even though it has been, theoretically, possible for him to spank me with his right hand, we both find that the activity is much more two-handed than it might seem.


So, except for a few sessions prior to that June 30th surgery, spanking has been mostly off the menu for the last two months.  We are, slowly, working our way back to it, but to me at least, it feels like beginning from the start.  I’m more iffy about the whole business, and more erratic in my capacity for just going with it.  I approach each attempt with some wild mixture of eager anticipation and intense anxiety.  It still IS my primary pathway into sexual satisfaction, but it never has been an easy path, and that does not get better as I get older.  I am not the sturdy masochist I once was.  Achy joints and fragile skin just complicate the story.


Too, my frequent migraines make my life an ongoing series of prodromes, actual headaches, and then post-migrainal after effects.  I find I have very few days when I just feel GOOD.  Not feeling GOOD makes much of the rest of life harder, and the sexual/erotic parts of life are no exception — especially when the sexual/erotic mode that is best for you is firmly anchored in sadomasochistic impact play.  How I envy the folks who do all of this in some easy, “normal” fashion.  Ah, well…


This morning, however, we hit it just right.  Pun absolutely intended.  I got my spanking, He got to spank, and we were right there together, in a really good place.  The sex was good for us both, and the after glow was comfortable.  I noticed that, in that space, my mind is quiet, and the world seems glow-y.  Not church this bright Sunday morning, but surely a chance to touch the divine.


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