Q & A, Wild Sex

Ask Anthea Series Part 1: Is it difficult being a virgin?

In this article, we pop the question of whether it is difficult being a virgin to our readers as well as our customers of our shopIs it hard to be a virgin?

 

Kate’s Response

It feels like a really fucked up secret that you can’t tell anyone.

(Even if you’re totally open about it).

I tend to hang out with people who are: pretty crude and open about their emotions; all sexually active; avid drinkers (and not religious); and Tinder enthusiasts, for sure.

So when the topic of sex comes up in conversations, which it does often, I immediately start to clam-up, cringe, sweat profusely, stop talking and become ridiculously uncomfortable.

I’m comfortable in most situations in life. Standing up in front of crowds of hundreds of people; walking up to complete strangers and asking them to give me their tickets to the Broncos playoff game; cold-emailing super-successful people and telling them to SEND ME YOUR FUCKING BOOK NOW, BITCH!

Sex has, over the years, not been one of those situations. (And I’ve had plenty of opportunities, don’t feel too bad for me, boo hoo.)

And whether or not you want to attribute it to:

Porn and how it’s completely skewed my perception of sex (and reality, like WHY DOESN’T EVERYONE HAVE BOOBS THAT BIG?!).

Something bad that happened to me as a child that I don’t want to talk about (but that honestly wasn’t that horrible and that I’ll gladly talk about).

Or the messed up relationship that I’ve had with my parents that I’m slowly coming to terms with.

Fucked up expectations of masculinity in America and how others project their fears and insecurities on you all the time.

The truth is that, like most things in life, you are often faced with a choice, pretty regularly, too: you can either suck it the fuck up and face your fears/aversions/self-doubt/hate/whatever that are, consciously or subconsciously, wreaking havoc on your personal life and your relationships, or you can just ride it out until you die.

Fortunately (or unfortunately) it hasn’t brought me to the complete brink of desperation and sadness and loneliness, and I’m starting to slowly just accept it and realize that it’s not that big of a deal.

And, beyond that, I’ve started opening up about all of that shit (with professional help, obviously) and now I shit rainbows and ride to the office on mystical happiness-unicorns.

So, yeah, it’s fucking hard.

 

Alicia’s Response

For me, it was.

Medically. I would have regular ob/gyn check-ups. Now, when I was 16, they would ask me if I was sexually active (a roundabout way of making sure whether or not my hymen was there so they could insert the speculum and perform the exam).

They stopped asking that when I became twenty (ah, assumptions, don’t we all love those!), so a few times I had to grab the doc by the hand to stop them from deflowering me with the speculum. In addition to that, when you are a virgin and have to go to an ob/gyn exam with the ultrasound, you need to drink a litre of water an hour in advance to make the bladder discernible on the screen. A few times I ended up in a long line to the doctor’s office with that litre inside… Yeah, oh the memories of those dreadful minutes.

Psychologically. It seemed everybody was already doing it. I felt so awkward when sex was discussed, even though I was totally up to date on the theory, but had nothing to argument with in practice. Peer pressure, if you will. Not a nice thing. It only added to my firm belief that I was unattractive and undesired. Besides, where I come from, virginity at a later age is often ridiculed, which doesn’t help one’s self-esteem.

Practically. No tampon would fit in. This meant no swimming pool or beach fun on my period, and lots of troubles with the pads. I lost count of the times when people would invite me to go swimming and I would awkwardly go, “Nah, I don’t really feel like it,” even though I was really jealous of them.

Sexually. I was dying to get laid. My libido was off the charts (well, it still is), yet I was unable to just walk up to the man I found attractive and offer a quickie in the nearest dark corner because a) virgins don’t do that (at least I thought so), b) would have preferred to be deflowered in relative comfort, privacy and hygienic conditions. The first few good opportunities for losing it lacked all three ingredients, even though the guys were very attractive. So being a virgin was very inconvenient – even though you want to have sex, you just can’t. Not here. Not now. Maybe later. When the circumstances are different.

Needless to say, I was ecstatic when I got rid of that unfortunate condition.

 

David’s Response

Not so hard. Not comfortable either. Especially when you like to talk about sex, but then people ask for “personal experience”, you have none to back your arguments, and people are like “Nah you just talk theories.”

You want to just have sex, but can’t do so easily since you don’t want to lose the first time on a one night stand. You feel the need to find someone you can trust. You want the first time to be perfect etc. And yet, you’re quite scared that when that first time comes, the fact that you’re completely inexperienced would disappoint the partner. Ahh, it’s a whole lot of thoughts.

Should not be a lot of thoughts so. First times are mostly very awkward, and I think “perfect timing” is any timing. Just the right person is the only thing that really matters, I guess. You probably don’t fancy losing it to another virgin.

 

Shirley’s Response

I lost my virginity in high school, but the answer for most people should be “Yes” since we are all organic beings which have a Prime Directive to replicate.  

Even if you have a low libido,  that Prime Directive is literally the only reason you have to be alive, biologically speaking. Exceptions are the few who are truly asexual.

This is what William Faulkner said about the topic: “Purity is a state contrary to Nature”.

 

Ella’s Response

Yes! I’m 33 and I’m a virgin. So obviously something must be wrong with me.

I can’t talk with anyone about it or they’d think I’m a freak.

Like others have already written the worst is when your gynaecolgist doesn’t believe you and basically deflowers you when examining you. It hurts like hell and makes you feel horrible..

It’s also hard to remain a virgin at times. I’m not asexual. I want sex. Sometimes just so so badly.

But I want it to be with a guy I really like or at least can communicate with well. And if a guy only wants sex and no relationship and I know he is sleeping around a lot, it’s a turn off for me. Not to speak about all the possible STIs. I’d need an STI test beforehand, and that’s just not sexy.

And due to medical issues I can’t use hormonal birth control, all that I have available are condoms and that’s simply not secure enough to sleep with anyone.

 

Harris’s Response

No.

We (my elementary-high school clique) made this promise that we would also not graduate high school and go to college like that. So in a way, we sort of wanted to be done with it ASAP.

Of course we did not rush this and did it with random people “just to get over with it”. We still tried to find that special someone to make that moment memorable as well.

I had my first time around 2nd year high school, when I was 13 I think.

Of course, part of the promise we in our clique made (we were coincidentally 4 boys and 4 girls) is that no one gets left behind on the promise, and come prom we would help those who did not get the chance yet (around half of us did not yet).

One of the strongest binding factors in our clique is how we always thought of each other and never left anyone behind, in all matters. This was one of them.

Years later, even after college, we are still all close.

 

Jamilia’s Response

Yes, for me is being really hard. Im already at an age that I should have already lost my virginity 10 years ago (I’m 28). I feel awkward, undesired because I’m already really old for having a first time and I haven’t it yet.

I want to get rid of it, but I don’t want to make sex for the sake of it, and get feelings for the man and after he kicks me out and say to me: – I only wanted to break your hymen, I don’t want to have a relationship with you!

And surely, this will make me really sad. I know life isn’t perfect, but I want to lose my virginity with a man who I can build a relationship with, and that he doesn’t throw me away after he took away my virginity. I would be utterly hurt. Though I know I should take  this risk in order to have the experience. But, I’m not pschycologically ready for it.

Nowadays, I try no to talk so much with my female friends of my age, since they seem to have a really great love life, and I can’t add nothing to the conversation, because I don’t have any love-life at all. I envy them that they have lots of guys behind them, if one of them separates – in less than 2 weeks they have other guy… This makes my self-steem sink and sink.

I had only one strong opportunity to get rid of my virginity when I was 19 years old, he was my first love, but he never wanted me, he only wanted a benefit from me. I was still living with my parents, and they were like cops, and we never got to transpass the “make out” barrier. Looking at the past, I regret not have made sex with him (even after he hurt me sentimentally), at least I would get rid of my virginity on the right time 19 yo.

Now, I live alone, I have few friends, I travel a lot because of my work but I always feel there is something lacking in my life, and that I still haven’t experienced such a thing as sex. But I’m really romantic and this world doesn’t permit people like this. I’m too shy, and men don’t approach.

So I guess, I have more years coming of virginity in my life. 🙁

 

Why is it hard to find a virgin girl for marriage?

This is the 21st century and women actually have their own thoughts, feelings, and control over their bodies for the most part.

Guess what? That’s a good thing, regardless of what some may feel.

As for choosing women, virginity is very far down on most lists.

I’d sure rather have a woman that is intelligent, personable, friendly, warm, caring, and easy to live with.

Search all you like. Wander the world. Maybe you’ll find one in some Mid East or Far East country or maybe not. Don’t be too surprised or crushed when you never find one.

 

How difficult is it for a virgin guy (like me) to find a virgin girl for marriage, considering the fact that sleeping around with anyone and losing one’s virginity is so common these days?

Why don’t you get a girlfriend and try to lose your virginity before marriage? You will be more experienced when you get married.

Then you will not worry if your wife is virgin or not.

A girl who is not a virgin at the time of her marriage can be faithful to her husband after marriage. It depends on the girl. Marriages and relationships are like gambling. You never know how they will turn out.

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